"It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word."
-The Call (Regina Spektor)
It's on the first week of October when students were cramming to comply class requirements. It means research papers and term papers to be passed before the deadline. Among others, it means extended classes and late schedules of examinations. For some, it means vacation for almost a month and you can see the excitement in their eyes.
Well, that was a year ago. And that was the peak of my failures in life. Failures it is, from my relationship to my family to my studies down to my spiritual life. It was the time when I saw the weakest of me but it was also the time that I saw the real me, my strength and limitations. I just don't know where I got such courage and hope that gave me the spirit not to give up.
The moment when I was mending the broken pieces of my heart, when I was picking up my broken toils and trying to put into its shape my shattered dreams, I saw him. Nothing was special at him. He is like that normal college student in my eyes. He has that fair skin complexion, normal Filipino height at his age and a physique that matches with his age. But when I look into his eyes, I concluded that there is something in his stares - in his eyes. I know there is something hidden beneath his icy stares and I wanted to discover it.
Days had gone past and little by little, I saw every piece of him. I saw how he laughs and how he loses his temper. I saw the best and worst of him. I witness how his innocence of things changed. I saw how he fed his curiousness. I saw how a woman's flirting smile affects him and I saw how he reacted. Gone now is his naivety. I just do not know if he is aware of my presence though.
As days passed, I found out that there is something beyond fondness. Soon, i found out that t'was love. I just do not know when it started. For all I know, I promised myself not to love again and tried to build a fortress for defense. Yet, I still fell. I guess that fondness that grew into love started when I was trying to know him better. When I wanted to discover the wicked him, he tried to defend himself with his deadly smiles. And every time he smiles, my fortress got weak and weaker.
He is the one that can make me smile the sweetest one. He can make an angel of me to laugh the celestial way and he can make a devil scream out of me. He made me sing like a sea nymph and he made me stare like the guardian of hell. He made me human, a fairy and a queen. Besides, he is too sweet that melts my heart away...
Out of the blue, as he is growing, he learned how to appreciate the beauty of his opposite sex. And he is ignorant of love no more. I have to be happy. But how can a sun shine at the middle of the night? How can laughter be heard in the agony of a dying heart? How can an eye appreciate the beauty of colors when it is color-blinded?
That was painful... I love him but he is not mine...
Loving him gave me pain but his presence brings joy and happiness and even completes my day. Maybe it is destiny. But I do not believe in destiny, I am not destined to suffer because of love. There is no thing such as destiny. It is just a word, and we made that word thus, we made our future if destiny means future. And if there is really such thing then, destiny is not a chance rather a choice. We are given choices. We are given wisdom and knowledge for decisions we are going to make.
As a song says, "There are choice we're making, we're living our own lives" is a proof that our destiny is just in our palm. And so as our love life. I choose to love him even with the precautions. I still loved him even if it is hurting me inside. And I choose not to tell him about it. Telling him may change something. It could make things better or worsen it. Yet, I choose not to tell him for I do not have enough confidence and I am not brave enough to face all its consequences.
We make our own life. But let us not forget the Celestial Being who will guide us in our decisions. He will always be in our side whenever we fall and fail. He is not going to leave us and He will never ever forsake us.
I know that as of the moment nothing has changed even if I knew he belongs to someone else. I am walking out of that room where I first saw him. I know it would be hard to have the very first step but I have to. I am not a masochist and sooner or later I would burst. I choose to love him then I can also forget this feeling.
Time will come that one will choose me... But I can feel that it is not yet the time. Yet I am hoping that when that time come, he will consider me. That's very ambitious though but I am choosing him. But if not, there's no harm done. But as of the moment, I have to enjoy the life I choose and live this life successfully. I believe that life is too short and I am making it long.
I am opening the door of that room now and I am going to take my first step. And as I am walking out, two songs made me smile. One made me smile sadly.
"It must have been love, but it's over now
It was all that I wanted, now I'm living without
It must have been love, but it's over now
From the moment we touched till the time had run out
Make believing we're together
That I am sheltered by your heart
But in and outside I turn to water
Like a teardrop in your palm"
And as I am going far, another song catches my ears, and it made me shake my head for such lyrics.
"Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it too
Doesn't mean that you have to forget.
Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
'Til they're before your eyes
come back
When they call you
No need to say goodbye"
